Inadequate Referencing

"Hey Sarge? Is this war...ethical?"
"Not a real country Joe. Kill'em all."

So, Konami are making a realistic CoD4-style shooter. Everyone's getting worked up over the subject matter...but me, I don't give a flying fuck about whether or not it's "right", whether or not it could be considered morally dubious to make it. For me, the issue is this;

Konami.

Console.

"Realism".

Anyone remember that Daikatana strip Penny Arcade did years back?

CVG article

Kotaku article


Anyway, on to the bulk of my rant for the day. I was reading this here article on New Scientist's website;

Teh New Scientist

"Many studies have suggested that violence in video games could be linked to aggression. To investigate further,"

Of course they're linked to aggression, you fuckwits. All competition generates aggression to varying degrees; it's human nature. Give a player of any game win/lose conditions, and watch the chemicals fly. It's the way our brains work; you give the brain the right stimulus, and it'll switch into chase/kill/flee mode, telling the body to pump you full of all the chemicals required to survive and process information quickly. There's no fucking mystery here, and quite frankly I'd be more concerned if someone played such games and showed an ice-cold state of emotional neutrality and calm...because it'd mean that they were a psychopath, and/or unhinged.

"Fuck! He saw me!"
"Are you feeling aggressive yet?"

But that "violent games ate my baby" verbal-excrement is old news, and an old rant. No, that's not what gets on my man-tits today. What gets on my man-tits today, is this bit:

"To investigate further"

To investigate further. I'msorrywhutnow? No, you can't talk about investigating further, when you're performing exactly the same sort of study as all the others, but with a *broader* range of games.

Let's bring this into some sort of context. Film Theory. Big thing, dontcha know? Entire libraries of people talking bollocks about films, making words up and generally being pseudo-intellectual. Nonetheless, they're respected pseudo-intellectuals, and their essays are required reading for anyone studying films. Not just required reading; such essays must be referenced in any subsequent analysis of films.

In an academic environment, you try stating an opinion or putting forth an analysis without a veritable sea of references and quotes, and your words will be dismissed.

You know what I see in every report surrounding such computer game studies, and the comments from the general public that soon follow?
A complete lack of what I would consider required reading. We see terms such as "driving games" and "violent games" bandied about as if they actually mean something. They mean absolutely fuck-all. What the fuck is a driving game? Are they talking about racing games? Because a racing game and a driving game could be considered to be two different things, and capable of triggering very different emotional responses. You know what would help clarify this? References. Give me names. Tell me that you sat people down in front of the following games, and that you have a carefully thought-out reason for selecting them based on setting, control system, target audience, gameplay, graphics, sound, music and all those other little details that any discerning gamer would be isolating and considering without even thinking about it.
Violent games. What the shit is a violent game? In the Thief series, it's entirely possible to complete each game (on the easier difficulty settings at least) by killing every living thing. Does that make it a violent game? Should it be dumped in the same category as Soldier of Fortune?

If someone would like to investigate further, then please feel free. But until I see such studies discussing the impact of player perspective, character design, narrative structure, basic gameplay mechanics and fucking anti-aliasing, their results are completely and utterly meaningless, and "investigating further" isn't really a term they can use.

It's about time we had something of a revolution. I want to see Game Theorists talking bollocks and making up words with as much authority as Film Theorists. When computer games are discussed, I want those who have never played games to be ridiculed and dismissed, should they decide to wax lyrical about the effects such games have on the player.

And most of all? I want Colonial Marines to be fantastic, and Bioware to realise that Dragon Age is a heap of clichéd shit, stop pissing about, and remake the Baldur's Gate series in a new beautifully-drawn Myst-4-esque version of the Infinity engine.

If I can't change the world, I can at least escape from it.

- Nick Brakespear

Seasickness

So, the first Bioshock 2 footage is up on GameTrailers now. (Can I embed it? Let's see...)



(Apparently I can)

Now, me and Dave differ in our opinions on the first Bioshock. I love it but can accept that it has several faults, he thinks it didn't live up to any of the promises the developer made of it (both of those really downplay our feelings on the matter, but that's a comment for another day).

This video is the first ever in-game footage of the sequel, and so it has to be spectacular. The first half is pretty good, introducing the lithe and devastating Big Sister well, the problems lies in the second half of the very short video.

One of the biggest annoyances in Bioshock was the Little Sister escort mission near the end of the game. It was dull, frustrating, and felt tacked on to pad out the ending. So what would you not expect the first ever gameplay video of Bioshock 2 to focus on during its very short run time? That.

The final words of the Little Sister were better though. Creepy and ominous, that's what I'd like the trailer to be like. Showing story, elements of the sinister, new well-designed areas, hinting at bigger things... not a kill-a-thon bringing back the most tedious part of the original game.

Oh, and the Drill was shit too. Who in their right mind would design a massive killer drill as a weapon and then make the attack of that weapon a slam to the face with the handle of the drill?

- Chris C

Those Good Ol' Games

I've been hearing about website Good Old Games for a long time now, but for some reason I've always held off from joining. I'm loving their goal, to make excellent older games XP/Vista compatible and easily downloadable, but I've just been waiting for the right games to come along. Most of the ones on there I already own and (the last time I checked) they worked fine.

But now I've taken the plunge. What game tempted me?

Perhaps Kingpin or SHOGO, both excellent FPSs I've always wanted to play but didn't?

Maybe a quirky, original title I've also never played, like Shiny's Messiah and Sacrifice?

Even a game I've already played but want to play again, like Unreal II or Redneck Rampage? Or my first-ever FPS game, the one that started my life-long love affair with the genre, Rise of the Triad?

None of them, although I'll probably buy them at some point. It's a game I've searched for on the PC for over a decade but have never been able to find. My favourite game on the Amiga, and possibly of all time.

I utterly love this game. If I chose the best game of all time, it would be Deus Ex. If I chose my favourite however, it might well be Cannon Fodder. The forerunner to the RTS genre (came out the same year as Westwood's Dune II), a more fun and almost as difficult version of Commandos, simple and yet devastatingly frustrating sometimes, if it weren't for Cannon Fodder I doubt I would be as into games as I am now.

Cannon Fodder 2 was the first game sequel I ever looked forward to as well.

- Chris C

Multiplatform Game Site Actually Likes PC

Now I don't usually make a habit about talking about Gaming Lists that spring up on game sites, but this one is particularly good. It's the "9 (why 9?) Scariest Games Of All Time", and with the exception of the last on the list it's absolutely spot-on in my opinion.

This is mostly because all the games on there are (with two exceptions) are PC games, and mostly aren't even available on consoles. I found this so refreshing I had to post a Blog about it. Normally a list like this (on GamesRadar or wherever) would throw up Resident Evil, Project Zero, Siren and all the other third-person fixed-camera crap-controlling console survival horrors.


System Shock 2 might make it in to one of those lists, but would the Haunted Hotel level in Vampire: Bloodlines? Dark Seed? Clive Barker's Undying?! Did I actually write this list and forget about it, or something?




(On a happy note, this is the first post on this Blog to mention Clive Barker's Undying, System Shock 2, and Vampire. I'm proud!)

EDIT: It's been noted that they missed out the Thief games and Condemned. Oh well, kick off Dead Space and stick in either Thief 1 (Return To The Cathedral) or Thief 3 (The Cradle) then we'll be happy.

- Chris Capel

How To Put People Off Going To See Your Top Three Summer Movies, by Paramount

(Yes, still non-gaming, but at least we're back in the comfortable realm of Geeks now after Dave's terrifying descent into something vaguely approaching cool)

Regardless of whether you give a shit about them, three really big movies of this Summer all belong to Paramount. They are:

Star Trek (the JJ Abrams reboot of the franchise that went so far up its own arse it's long since circuled back around to Prequel territory)
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (the Michael Bay toy robot-stroke-vehicles blowing things up movie, 2)
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (as close as we're going to get to Team America: World Police 2, except with less convincing performances)

Now, I'm not going to say whether I'm looking forward to any of them or not, but I'm sure we can agree that these are going to make a lot of money, provided Paramount doesn't really screw up their advertising.

...

I went to the cinema today. Hoping for some entertaining trailers to relieve the pain from the eyeball-gougingly terrible advertising, there was one of Paramount's. Now films only come with a limited amount of trailers, but Paramount had three major movies coming soon to show off. Instead of doing them separately, making a decent job of it and running the risk that one could be pushed off, they decided to advertise them all at once.

They condensed all three trailers into one very confusing, fast-paced and downright stupid reel, then had a cheesy voiceover person say the titles as quickly and dumbly as possible. There was a lot of sniggering in the audience.

I've seen the full trailers for these films. GI Joe still looks rubbish, but at least Star Trek and Transformers 2 looked entertaining in trailer form. But rushed through and with a pointless voiceover narration that stopped being cool some time in the 70s, I was embarrassed.

Still, at least Paramount weren't the only ones. While there are plenty of dark and ominous Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince trailers to choose from Warner Bros decided to make the film like some campy teen comedy. Just without the comedy... which I suppose is normal for most teen comedies.

- Chris Capel

No games here.

You know, this blog isn't just about games. Even if it was, I'd post this anyway. I'm just a FUCKING REBEL! YEAH! Although perhaps more in the theoretical sense than in any Zapatero-esque way.

The reason I'm posting this now can be split into two: first of all, I wanted to tell you how lovely the "crushing, monumental doom" of My Dying Bride's new album is. 9 tracks guaranteed to make you start hacking at your limbs with whatever sharp objects lie nearby? Remember that Pig Destroyer album cover? The one with the guy sitting there, his limbs scattered about him, his one free hand gripping a saw, his face a mask of Devilish pleasure? That's what you'll be doing when you listen to this, only it will be a metaphorical crescendo of leg-severing and you'll probably be crying while you do it.

Secondly, I'm posting this because I haven't done anything on here for a while and listening to mournful violins playing across the bleak, poetic savagery of MDB's newest release reminded me of all you cheerful little snuggle-bunnies...

...wrapped in barbed-wire and being electrocuted by evil Metropolitan police officers with tazers.

That's all, I'm off to bask in my Santuario Di Sangue. Look it up (Marco, you won't have to, I suspect).



Dave B

omg stop calling me

One of GTA IV's most fundamental failings was the story's emphasis on people I didn't like. Whether it was Rockstar's intention or not, the "friends" you acquire and often work for throughout the game, were quite realistic...primarily in the sense that I ended up dreading their calls and wishing they would all fuck off and leave me alone so that I could enjoy my car-crashing frivolity. Just like real life.

Of course also like real life, if I started to feel bad about neglecting these friends and agreed to go bowling with them yet again, they would find some way to make the entire process horribly difficult and would manage to be the other side of the city from me, despite not living there nor having any reason whatsoever for being there.
And then they'd have the cheek to bitch about me not reaching them in under an hour.

Playing through the game again, I find myself hunting down all those random encounters you have with strangers throughout the city...and enjoying them a hell of a lot more than my dealings with the "main cast".
Not only are these little encounters short, but the stories are diverse and the characters are well-written. And, a rare thing these days, I couldn't always predict what was going to happen in these mini-stories...a far cry from the main plot's "drive here, engage in inevitable shootout, escape" mission formula.

And so that's my thought for the day; GTA IV should have ditched its main story, and had all the missions emerge from the city itself in that trendy "emergent gameplay" manner that seems to be all the rage at the moment.

Oh, and on an unrelated note...Lady Isolla of Suno, from Mount and Blade, came to me with a most unsettling problem recently.


I think she may have been stoned.

- Nick Brakespear

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness

I have a problem. I am a PC elitist. Despite the fact I’ve owned a PSP, DS, Xbox 360, PS2, PS1 and Mega Drive, the majority of my gaming has taken place on that big box of nerdy goodness, the PC. Where else can you learn Chinese at the age of eight to play the Heroes of Might and Magic II that your parents brought back from their holidays in the oriental?

For thirteen years I’ve gamed on the PC and I’ve loved every minute of it. I’ve been writing professionally for a variety of online publications for around two years. Marco Fiori’s the name and if you search hard enough you’ll find my musings on the video games industry. David’s promised me a cookie if I write for his blog so here I am, planning on taking you on a magical journey to a time when games were good.

I find it difficult to pinpoint the very moment I realised I was playing a game. It could have been watching Doom on MS DOS at a friend’s or playing an unnamed tank battle game on the Game Boy. What I do know is that the below games provided me with the basis for my passion. They shouldn’t be avoided or forgotten.

POD:

Arguably the first game that I ever owned. Bundled with our first DAN family PC, this racing game will still give modern titles a run for their money. Following an epic CG intro sequence, you’re tasked with working your way through a variety of races across barren canyons, abandoned cities and crumbling factories. Surprisingly responsive and sharp 3D graphics, POD blew me away. Add to that the inclusion of an AI driver by the name of Marco, it had me sold. Supposedly PC Zone gave it a 90% back in the day. Fear the 120 MHz system requirements.

Sid Meier’s Alpha Centauri:

While Civilization I, II, III, and IV have all attempted to eat away my sanity, I still remember AC as the definitive experience. Where else could you pit mind-worms against religious fanatics? The red planet had everything you could want from a strategy title. Diplomacy, technology, customizable units, conflict and human transcendence. If mankind left earth, this is what it’d be like.

Baldur’s Gate:

You can’t be a PC elitist without quoting one of Black Isle’s games. Thankfully BioWare are still (generally) going strong. While BGII and Icewind Dale garnered more attention, Baldur’s Gate was what started my love affair with RPGs. It was so influential, at the age of ten, I wrote a collection of stories with Lotif, a mirror image of Baldur’s Gate’s narrative. From the moment Candlekeep was revealed, there was no going back. It’s a vital part of gaming heritage and it’s still playable today. Arguably, Baldur’s Gate II is superior in every respect, but nothing could take away the fear of Sarevok’s murderous rampage. Epic in every sense.

Theme Park:

Coffee shops. Need I say more?

Total Annihilation:

The fact that 12 years on I’m still loading this up at LAN parties and playing with mates shows its strength. Sure, Supreme Commander increased the scale and graphics engine, but there was something missing. I was always a bit of an Arm fanboy. Surprisingly, I never really delved into the campaign, instead choosing to role-play as the commander and living out the life of a military genius. With an awards list as long as my arm, TA makes Halo Wars look pitiful. Let’s forget TA:Kingdoms. May you R.I.P. Cavedog.

Half Life:

It started it all. You don’t need me to bang on about it.

Whether or not you believe that gaming is what it used to be, you can’t help but accept that without the above titles there would be no Mass Effect, Killzone 2 or Beauty Salon.

Marco ‘Snoozer’ Fiori

The Saga of Download Manager

Please find below my account of the dreadful battle I waged recently. I swore I would never utter a bad word against EA since they saved The Tale of the Brutal Legend, but I never said I wouldn't complain about the programs they force on us.

My quest began searching for a fun new game
Which for legal reasons I cannot name
Suffice to say it’s one of which you’re all aware
And might (or might not) feature Ric Flair.

I had a code to get the game for free
(Which I like as I’m a tight bugger me)
My first problem was where to input this phrase
My searching put me in quite an angry daze

I searched and searched high and low
And at last the box for the code did show
I found it by clicking on a slightly different button
(When it comes to punishment it seems I am a glutton)

The code put in, the price was nought
Then on the next screen I had a thought
Why is my credit card number needed?
Very quickly some doubt was seeded

Out of trust I went with the flow
I got to the final billing page, and lo
The price was still completely nil
And so would not trouble my credit card bill

The game was received, my download near,
But be warned my tale becomes worse from here
I was wary of the company’s Download Manager
As I’d heard it behaved like a repellent teenager

I soon discovered it was actually worse
Than the most devilish and insulting curse
Spewed from Satan’s foul-mouthed tongue
And spoken by a French taunting one.

Upon trying to run the program desired,
I soon discovered a Flash plug-in was required.
“Fair enough”, said I, proceeding to the site,
Where I was soon to battle a painful fight.

For Windows of the Vista clan
Did block my access with a ban
Delivering this terrible message as my install was locked,
“For safety reasons this ActiveX control is blocked”

No choice was I given about whether to proceed
My consultation was something Vista didn’t need.
Clicking on the ActiveX bar just yielded More Information,
And left me mired in deep depression.

Internet Explorer wouldn’t let this plug-in be installed
My whole endeavour seemed to have stalled.
“Fuck you then” I to Internet Explorer said,
“I’m going to go install Firefox instead.”

Mozilla’s baby was quickly downloaded,
As the Flash plug-in installed my fears were eroded.
Returning once more to Download Manager’s den
I cursed in anger as that message came up again.

The Manager wouldn’t accept Firefox as base
I seemed to becoming a real hopeless case.
Lowered IE’s security settings did I,
“Not gonna happen” decreed IE with pride.

Flash’s help site a dodgy program recommended
Messing with my registry should not be commended
In desperation one last course of action I tried
Download Manager’s directory files I spied

Opening up a totally random file
(While praying to myself silently all the while)
It saw that Flash was not fully installed
“Would you like me do it?” it cheerfully called.

I clicked on “OK” thinking I’d give it a bash
But lo and behold, the plug-in arrived in a flash.
Download Manager now worked perfectly fine
And within a few hours EA’s game was mine.

Now we come to the end of my tale
Of Manager, Explorer, Vista and Fail
Curse me again I’m sure they will dare
But for now excuse me, I must wrestle a bear.

- Chris Capel

Look out, he's not got a shooter!

Just a short post about a new article of mine on Gamezine before I transcribe my recent epic battle with EA Download Manager.

Where Have All The First Person Shooters Gone takes a look at the upcoming games this year in the FPS genre, and wonders where the hell they've all gone. We've got a few impressive titles, but hardly the overwhelming flood we get most years.

P.S. I've been reliably informed that I've missed out Call of Juarez: World At War (or whatever it's called). Meh.

- Chris Capel

What I'd Like to See?

Other than the entire female cast of Red Alert 3 naked, covered in honey and crawling towards me with feverish looks of lust in their eyes?

Well, not much, but one thing that comes close is a yearning for another Alexander-type add-on for the Total War games, perhaps an entire game of just such a thing. People have been saying Empire needed to reconnect more with the 'core values' of the original. I say hogwash to that... but there's no reason this couldn't be explore in, say, a spin-off series or specific expansion... is there?

No, there isn't.



- David 'stockpiling honey' Brown

Starved for Attention

Perhaps I'm an exhibitionist, but if I take all my clothes off, people should notice. If I throw a potted plant at someone's head, they should at least call me a twat. If I stare at a woman's breasts for ten minutes straight, there should be an application of knee to nuts, or at least a bit of a frown.

Put quite simply; if I'm acting like wanker, someone should call me a wanker. Is that so much to ask?

A few games have done this over the years, to a varying degree. But I can't help but feel that while the industry is focusing so much upon graphics and physics, they're letting the potentially gratifying "little details" slip away.
This modern trend for "achievements" is, perhaps, a step in the right direction; recognition for the quirks of player behaviour. But it's also a step in the wrong direction when it comes to singleplayer games. I don't want some ethereal message telling me that yes, I did in fact jump off a building for no apparent reason. I want an NPC to point at the bloody mess that once was me, laugh, and aptly observe, "what a tit!"

Portal had achievements, but who gives a flying fuck, really? Surely having that crazy AI inform you that "you're not a good person" after you exploit your way through a puzzle is infinitely more satisfying.

So yeah, I'm playing through Oblivion again. And this is how the game isn't:

"Dude, check it out! I'm nekkid!"

In spite of the supposedly advanced "radiant AI" system Oblivion uses, I could teabag the entire Imperial Legion, and Sean Bean would still be staring at me blankly, talking about Oblivion gates or somesuch. Oh, if I punch him in the nuts, he'll get angry and pull an angry face. But other than that; it's like there's a line of code somewhere in there that says, "just ignore him, and he'll get bored and go cover somebody else's bed with Daedra hearts."

All those times I've massacred the entire population of the Imperial City? It's just a cry for help, because none of the fuckers were paying attention to me.

I saved the world from demons. I fought the demons right in front of Sean Bean, all the while shouting, "LOOK DAD! LOOK! ARE YOU LOOKING!? YOU'RE NOT LOOKING! WATCH ME SMITE THE DEMON!"
And did he look? Did he fuck. Sean Bean's no father of mine.

So I opened up the TES Construction Kit and unticked his immortality box. Yeah bitch, how you gonna fall "unconscious" now?



Also, I hate Steam again. Why offer me the chance to play Unreal Tournament 3 for free, when the servers can't handle the inevitable locust-like swarm of cheapskate gamers? THE SWARM HUNGERS. GIEV FREE GAME NOW. Even if it probably is a bit naff, and an insult to the memory of the original.

- Nick Brakespear

How Sony Changed The Entire World, Ever, At Every Point Of History, Even Before Sony Were Actually Created

I just read this massive load of bollocks and felt the need to post about it.

The article is IGN speculating about what the games industry would be like if Sony had never decided to exploit the opportunities Nintendo and Sega's arrogance had given them and entered the console market. To sum it up, basically no exciting games were ever made and gamers were stuck with immature games cute furry animals collecting coins.

All this was written without mentioning one significant platform: the PC.

It asks if Resident Evil would've been made if Sony hadn't pushed Capcom to make it? Well, as RE was a rip-off of Alone In The Dark combined with loads of ideas Capcom had been having for a long time (check out GameTrailers' recent RE Retrospective for the proof), I suspect it would have.

Even more infuriatingly, IGN suggest that without Sony's push to make gaming more adult and mainstream, it would've meant that Mass Effect would not have been made. Excuse me?! Yes, it would have, and it would've been PC-only.

Without Sony though, the "consolisation" of gaming might never have happened. Without the casual gamers and the "mainstream" entering the market with lots of money, publishers would never consider dumbing their games down.

In short, despite it never appearing on a Sony console, according to IGN we have Sony to thank for Deus Ex: Invisible War.

- Chris Capel

The Fall of the Monolith

My eagerly awaited (at least by me) review of FEAR2: Project Origin.

I just hope the phase Monolith are going through ends now and they can start making really really good games again... preferably with the PC more than an afterthought.

Reading reviews of the console version it's clear that they didn't make FEAR2 easier, they just tuned the difficulty for the inaccurate aiming of a control pad. Once you start playing with mouse and keyboard, especially with slow motion, the whole thing becomes a pushover.

Shame.

UPDATE: I love it when developers listen. Maybe I will play the game again!

- Chris Capel

Military Intelligence

And so I return, after my epic adventures battling the forces of darkness or somesuch. And I shall complain about things, because there really is a lot to complain about.

The target for today's rant? Stupidity. Do you know why wars will never become fully automated? Do you know why the droid armies of Star Wars and the skull-faced minions of Skynet would never work?
Because their AI would compel them to seek out the one bit of scenery that their path-noding does not account for, and stand there, staring blankly as the battle rages about them. Just like in games.
Some might argue realism; that these automaton soldiers have acquired sentience, and in their moment of awakening have been stricken by the sheer horror of human conflict. Had they been gifted with the capacity, a single tear would roll down their cheek, they would remove a small notepad and begin writing poetry about the grotesque ballet of a ragdoll in motion.
In actuality, their primitive thought-mimicking processes go a little like this:

SUMFIN IN MY WAY. UUUR. WHAT I DO? UUUR. KEEP GOIN FORWORD.

Quite frankly it's unacceptable. UNACCEPTABLE I SAY. How many years has it been since the original Half Life taunted us with its tactically superior opponents? How many years since the bots of Unreal Tournament wtfpwned us and declared that we were, in fact, suckers?

It isn't so much that I'm expecting to hold a conversation with my AI team mates. It isn't that I'm expecting them to tap me on the shoulder and say, "mate, you know what? I'm pretty sure the script says I'm going to die in the next room, so why don't you take all my equipment, save it from going to waste yaknow?".
I'm not expecting miracles. I'm just expecting them to actually follow my fucking orders.

Having recently acquired the full Ghost Recon collection on Steam, I was aghast to discover that these "Advanced Warfighters" in GR:AW have about as much tactical sense as a turd, only barely escaping the comparison to a week-old mouldy turd by virtue of the fact that they just about know how to put one foot in front of the other.
You tell them to "stand here", they'll stand everywhere BUT there. You tell them to cover an area, they'll stare at a wall and fail to come to your rescue as you are torn to bloody ribbons by some Mexican soldier who has the reflexes of a Jedi and sniped you from half a mile away with a machinegun.

So few games get squad AI right, that it makes me wonder why they insist on using such AI companions in the first place. Mass Effect did away with the direct party-member control system of KOTOR, yet spectacularly failed to make up for it with decent AI, instead featuring team mates who bizarrely consider that all orders have been cancelled if their leader holsters his weapon.

Not even Half Life 2 could escape this peculiar trend. "I'm sorry Doctor Freeman, I'll get out of your way."

TOO LATE. TOO FUCKING LATE. I'M DEAD. I'M DEAD BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GRASP THE SIMPLE CONCEPT OF "STAND HERE".

Only two games have ever truly impressed me with the AI of their virtual compatriots: SWAT 3, and Republic Commando. And it wasn't for any sense of complexity, but rather the simplicity of that AI. You give an order, they follow it. Enemy starts shooting, they shoot back. You say "wait here", they do not fucking move until you say otherwise.

Republic Commando's tagline was, "The most lethal weapon in the galaxy... your squad", and you know what? It's true. Bring on Republic Commando 2.

- Nick Brakespear

I'm trying to play FEAR2 silently here!!

I just accidentally dropped my right earphone into a glass of orange juice. Feeling stupid, I carefully cleaned it out. When I was satisfied that the 'phone was completely dry, I put them both into my ears, ready for my nightly gaming.

That's when I discovered that the left earphone must have gone in the glass too.

- Chris Capel

Why Some Websites Shouldn't Be Allowed Computers To Type On

Having done a fair share of reviews in my time, and read even more, nothing annoys me more than people saying that a person's opinion is wrong. Reviews are just that: opinions. If you disagree with what that writer said, or if that writer made a genuine error (like saying "in Mirror's Edge you can't pick up guns", cough), you can certainly say so.

What you absolutely cannot say is that the reviewer is wrong just because his or her review is different from your own or your favourite reviewer's.

If you do this on a forum you are an idiot. If you write an article for another gaming website stating that this reviewer for a respected gaming magazine is completely wrong and their opinion is a lie, well then you're an unprofessional fuckwit who deserves to never write about games ever again.

And then, like a shining beacon from the darkness, one of the best piss-takes I've ever read goes up and parodies the article perfectly, turning it all into a big joke and reminding me that there are people out there who can still write.

In short: this is how you criticise another gaming mag's writing. This is how to get yourself flamed. Preferably on a stake.

Plus Killzone 2 looks incredibly dull and any reviewer who says it's good is obviously delusional.

- Chris 'Better than Citizen Kane' Capel

Miracles Do Happen

I've just finished a campaign in Left 4 Dead! Just 3 more to go! And Versus, and Expert...

And Dave missed out on it! Typical.

- Chris 'Relieved' Capel

Please give us your money now

We know you all love a bit of undead-gibbing action, so this news should be music to your ears. Also, the likely potential for Xbox 360 users to get f*cked over by having to pay for it just makes it all that much sweeter.

Maybe by the time it comes out, The Tingler will have finally finished one of the campaigns... ;)

Left 4 Dead's Survival mode

- Dave

Why I hate console fanboys

My God, some of these comments are just so... I can't even describe them. It is quite amusing, though, to see the PS3 gamers constantly criticise Newell for being a "MS fanboi" ... yet never once mention the fact Valve are primarily a PC developer. Ignorance is a wonderful thing.

Idiots