Tuesday, 24 February 2009

The Fall of the Monolith

My eagerly awaited (at least by me) review of FEAR2: Project Origin.

I just hope the phase Monolith are going through ends now and they can start making really really good games again... preferably with the PC more than an afterthought.

Reading reviews of the console version it's clear that they didn't make FEAR2 easier, they just tuned the difficulty for the inaccurate aiming of a control pad. Once you start playing with mouse and keyboard, especially with slow motion, the whole thing becomes a pushover.

Shame.

UPDATE: I love it when developers listen. Maybe I will play the game again!

- Chris Capel

Monday, 23 February 2009

Military Intelligence


And so I return, after my epic adventures battling the forces of darkness or somesuch. And I shall complain about things, because there really is a lot to complain about.

The target for today's rant? Stupidity. Do you know why wars will never become fully automated? Do you know why the droid armies of Star Wars and the skull-faced minions of Skynet would never work?
Because their AI would compel them to seek out the one bit of scenery that their path-noding does not account for, and stand there, staring blankly as the battle rages about them. Just like in games.
Some might argue realism; that these automaton soldiers have acquired sentience, and in their moment of awakening have been stricken by the sheer horror of human conflict. Had they been gifted with the capacity, a single tear would roll down their cheek, they would remove a small notepad and begin writing poetry about the grotesque ballet of a ragdoll in motion.
In actuality, their primitive thought-mimicking processes go a little like this:

SUMFIN IN MY WAY. UUUR. WHAT I DO? UUUR. KEEP GOIN FORWORD.

Quite frankly it's unacceptable. UNACCEPTABLE I SAY. How many years has it been since the original Half Life taunted us with its tactically superior opponents? How many years since the bots of Unreal Tournament wtfpwned us and declared that we were, in fact, suckers?

It isn't so much that I'm expecting to hold a conversation with my AI team mates. It isn't that I'm expecting them to tap me on the shoulder and say, "mate, you know what? I'm pretty sure the script says I'm going to die in the next room, so why don't you take all my equipment, save it from going to waste yaknow?".
I'm not expecting miracles. I'm just expecting them to actually follow my fucking orders.

Having recently acquired the full Ghost Recon collection on Steam, I was aghast to discover that these "Advanced Warfighters" in GR:AW have about as much tactical sense as a turd, only barely escaping the comparison to a week-old mouldy turd by virtue of the fact that they just about know how to put one foot in front of the other.
You tell them to "stand here", they'll stand everywhere BUT there. You tell them to cover an area, they'll stare at a wall and fail to come to your rescue as you are torn to bloody ribbons by some Mexican soldier who has the reflexes of a Jedi and sniped you from half a mile away with a machinegun.

So few games get squad AI right, that it makes me wonder why they insist on using such AI companions in the first place. Mass Effect did away with the direct party-member control system of KOTOR, yet spectacularly failed to make up for it with decent AI, instead featuring team mates who bizarrely consider that all orders have been cancelled if their leader holsters his weapon.

Not even Half Life 2 could escape this peculiar trend. "I'm sorry Doctor Freeman, I'll get out of your way."

TOO LATE. TOO FUCKING LATE. I'M DEAD. I'M DEAD BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GRASP THE SIMPLE CONCEPT OF "STAND HERE".

Only two games have ever truly impressed me with the AI of their virtual compatriots: SWAT 3, and Republic Commando. And it wasn't for any sense of complexity, but rather the simplicity of that AI. You give an order, they follow it. Enemy starts shooting, they shoot back. You say "wait here", they do not fucking move until you say otherwise.

Republic Commando's tagline was, "The most lethal weapon in the galaxy... your squad", and you know what? It's true. Bring on Republic Commando 2.

- Nick Brakespear

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

I'm trying to play FEAR2 silently here!!

I just accidentally dropped my right earphone into a glass of orange juice. Feeling stupid, I carefully cleaned it out. When I was satisfied that the 'phone was completely dry, I put them both into my ears, ready for my nightly gaming.

That's when I discovered that the left earphone must have gone in the glass too.

- Chris Capel

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Why Some Websites Shouldn't Be Allowed Computers To Type On

Having done a fair share of reviews in my time, and read even more, nothing annoys me more than people saying that a person's opinion is wrong. Reviews are just that: opinions. If you disagree with what that writer said, or if that writer made a genuine error (like saying "in Mirror's Edge you can't pick up guns", cough), you can certainly say so.

What you absolutely cannot say is that the reviewer is wrong just because his or her review is different from your own or your favourite reviewer's.

If you do this on a forum you are an idiot. If you write an article for another gaming website stating that this reviewer for a respected gaming magazine is completely wrong and their opinion is a lie, well then you're an unprofessional fuckwit who deserves to never write about games ever again.

And then, like a shining beacon from the darkness, one of the best piss-takes I've ever read goes up and parodies the article perfectly, turning it all into a big joke and reminding me that there are people out there who can still write.

In short: this is how you criticise another gaming mag's writing. This is how to get yourself flamed. Preferably on a stake.

Plus Killzone 2 looks incredibly dull and any reviewer who says it's good is obviously delusional.

- Chris 'Better than Citizen Kane' Capel

Sunday, 8 February 2009

Miracles Do Happen

I've just finished a campaign in Left 4 Dead! Just 3 more to go! And Versus, and Expert...

And Dave missed out on it! Typical.

- Chris 'Relieved' Capel

Saturday, 7 February 2009

Please give us your money now

We know you all love a bit of undead-gibbing action, so this news should be music to your ears. Also, the likely potential for Xbox 360 users to get f*cked over by having to pay for it just makes it all that much sweeter.

Maybe by the time it comes out, The Tingler will have finally finished one of the campaigns... ;)

Left 4 Dead's Survival mode

- Dave

Thursday, 5 February 2009

Why I hate console fanboys

My God, some of these comments are just so... I can't even describe them. It is quite amusing, though, to see the PS3 gamers constantly criticise Newell for being a "MS fanboi" ... yet never once mention the fact Valve are primarily a PC developer. Ignorance is a wonderful thing.

Idiots

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

Brax's Wishlist

I know you've been awaiting this post with bated breath, Mr Tingler, so here it is.

BRAX'S MOST WANTED GAMES OF 2009 (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER):

Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena

Or CoR:AoDA if you want to attempt to shorten the title and confuse people. I must confess I didn't play the first game when it was first released on PC. Perhaps it didn't ping upon my games radar loudly enough, or perhaps the chemistry wasn't quite there yet for our relationship. However, having returned from my drunken debauchery in the US last summer, I set about buying and playing a few of the games I had missed out on. This included Psychonauts (yes I know, I'm a terrible human being), Star Wars: Republic Commando (whose intelligent team mates utterly crapped on the next game in this list), Mass Effect (which I rant about, but played twice back to back over one week), and of course Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay.
Dark Athena sounds like solid entertainment. I may already own the original, but quite frankly I am greatly looking forward to replaying it with the updates, and find myself wishing that such enhanced re-releases were more common. Being bald has never been so much fun...leaving aside Mr 47 of course (don't worry Mr Tobias Rieper, I love you more than Riddick really).


Aliens: Colonial Marines

To be honest, I'm not holding my breath over this one...I've had a gut feeling that it'll be delayed or some such for a while now, but I live in hope. Having played Left 4 Dead obsessively, the idea of four player coop in the Aliens universe makes me bounce around like pre-teen Spice Girls fan high on E numbers. Not literally of course. I have far too much decorum for that. Anyway, though details seem to be a little thin at the moment and I have yet to see the game up and running, I'm sold on the concept. Whether or not it has been tainted by its inevitable cross-platform release also remains to be seen.

Diablo III

I was never into Diablo that heavily. About the time that one of my mates was obsessing over the first game, I was busy with the Baldur's Gate franchise. However I could not deny, even back then, that Diablo was easy to play and easy to enjoy, and became an almost religious experience when played cooperatively over a home network.
Having recently been dragged back into my cooperative-based obsessions by Left 4 Dead, I find myself looking forward to Diablo III more than Starcraft II (the whole "three-releases" thing has annoyed me, to be honest). And given that I was never a hardcore fan of the series, I'm not too bothered by the art direction that has seen so many people frothing at the mouth.

A Mount and Blade expansion and/or sequel

Mount and Blade is evil. EVIL. Recently, I managed to drag myself away from the game only to discover that it was 4am. I haven't been so entranced by a game, nor suffered such lost time, since my old World of Warcraft days. There's always one more battle to fight, one more soldier to upgrade, one more combination of clever tactics and equipment to try. And the horses...the thundering of hooves as you lead a cavalry charge, the satisfying SWISHTHUNK as you swing an axe at somebody's head from horseback. And the cheering as the last enemy hits the ground with a pleasing thump, and the smugness that follows as you gallop past your victorious army, who would be chanting your name if the software allowed for it. I don't care what follows; whether it be a graphical update, a physics update, a new map, a new setting. I just want MORE. And I want the likes of Bethesda to realise the depth of their horse-related failure.
Oh, and if the horses in Mount and Blade could shit in front of villagers, that'd be good too. Or just fart really loudly, in that proud and noble way that only horses are capable of.

A New Hitman Game

Surely it's time, isn't it? Blood Money was fantastic, but there's a lot of room for improvement and evolution in the franchise. I'm normally against such franchising, given that it is nearly always the evil spawn of corporations, but I have a real weakspot for Mr Ben's psychopathic bald-headed twin. He's just so loveable. And quite frankly, it has been too long since his last outing, and I'm concerned that IO have got it into their heads that they should make something other than Hitman games. BAD IO INTERACTIVE.


- Nick Brakespear

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

Squirrel & Lemming (Deceased)

I'm sitting at my desk eating Squirrel while listening to the Lemmings soundtrack (Amiga version no less).

Life is good.

- Chris Capel

Monday, 2 February 2009

BiowareShock

I have a short list of 'must-have' developers. I'm not Microsoft or anything, I'm not going to buy them, make them create Halo games then dissolve them. What I mean is, developers whose games I buy simply on trust. Now I'm a games reviewer, so their games have to be not only

consistently good fun, but consistently special to me.


As such, that list, as I mentioned, is short. Valve, id Software and Monolith (although they're pushing their luck right now) are a few stalwarts. Starbreeze is well on their way towards the list. And the main RPG one is Bioware.


There's always a game I start with though, and usually don't play all before that one. Monolith started me with Aliens Vs Predator 2 (yes, I missed Shogo, although I loved Blood) for example. Valve had me at 'welcome to the Black Mesa research facility'.



Bioware though only came to my attention with Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, and after that it's pretty much Jade Empire, Mass Effect and, um, Sonic Chronicles. In short, I missed Baldur's Gate, and frankly I couldn't give a damn. As such, I am not especially looking forward to this game:





Dragon Age, now unnecessarily with 'Origins' stuck on the end. A PC-led RPG by my favourite RPG-maker. Look at that screenshot. I am mad?!

No. Despite my love of stories in games, it took me a long time to get into RPGs as a genre. Part of this was vanity - I really hate isometric viewpoints in character-based games. Another is simple - I hate elves, orcs, Tolkien-ripping-off RPGs, which seemed to clutter the market since the dawn of the genre. Baldur's Gate, being an isometric Dungeons & Dragons game, fit into that.

Now we're getting a spiritual sequel to that, and it looks like an offline MMO. The only reason I played The Witcher was because it didn't look like a complete Tolkien thing (and the PCZ review helped). This, judging by the trailers, looks very Tolkien-inspired. I'm yawning already.

I just don't care right now. I'm sure it'll be different and have a great story, but right now if this wasn't a Bioware game I wouldn't be paying it any attention - and even then not too much.

Impress me, Bioware. Prove my faith in you justified.

- Chris Capel

Saturday, 31 January 2009

Svenska

My word, aren't Swedish ladies of an attractive disposition? Ok, I did see one or two heffalumps, but generally it was all eye-meltingly gorgeous females as far as the eye could see. There were some reasonable games on show too (the real reason I went there to Stockholm for a few days) and I got plenty of tasty tidbits and amusing soundbites for you all to read about in issue 206 of PC Zone, which is out in March sometime.


- David Brown

PS - Sorry if that sounded sexist. I'm sure there were plenty of studly Vikings there for our lady readers.

Thursday, 29 January 2009

Self Indulgent Games of 2009 Post!!

In a desperate attempt to wrestle this blog back to non-random-musings territory, I thought you'd like to know (you want to know, you need to know) the games we're most looking forward to this year.

We'll try to keep out too many big obvious names, but some will inevitably sneak in. We'll also leave out the games that have no chance of coming out this year, like Rage, Mass Effect 2 (sorry Brax, knew you were looking forward to it), Diablo III etc. We'll also keep it down to just five games so to keep it tight.

Anyway's here's mine:

THE TINGLER'S MOST WANTED GAMES OF 2009:

Batman: Arkham Asylum

I've always loved Batman and videogames. The trouble is that there's never been anything better than an 'okayish' Batman game. Arkham Asylum finally looks like the game I've always wanted (if not that cool freeform one I really want). Dark, gritty, with excellent comic/series writer Paul Dini doing the story and series veterans Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill reprising their spot-on roles as Batman and the Joker. Can't wait.

Wolfenstein

This choice may surprise people. I love id Software's FPS games, and while Raven as a developer isn't anywhere near as talented they still make good, solid games that I enjoy. Quake 4 was great fun. I also don't mind the idea of alternate dimensions and aliens in a series that previously gave us Nazi zombies, centuries old super-soldiers, and Robo-Hitler.

Wallace & Gromit's Grand Adventures

Wallace & Gromit, in the hands of Sam & Max and Strong Bad comedy adventure extraordinaire developer Telltale. All we need now is Doctor Who to be given to Revolution and my adventure game loving self will explode with excitement. Sorry Sam & Max Season Three, I'm looking forward to you too, but there can only be one (Telltale adventure in this list).

Fatal Frame IV/Project Zero IV
Another surprise perhaps? Well, with Bioshock 2 a long way off, Silent Hill Homecoming sucking like mad, and Resident Evil 5 not being scary anymore, this instantly gets promoted to my most wanted horror game. A Wii exclusive. Wow. If you haven't heard of the series, imagine that ghost level in Vampire: Bloodlines expanded to four games. Damn scary stuff, and I likes me good scares.


Ghostbusters

Aha, the big one for me. I'm still cursing Activision's name for stopping me playing it last October (my birthday ruined, you bastards!). This is the game I've always wanted. This is wish-fulfilment of the highest order. A new Ghostbusters story with all the cast, with me playing a fifth member. I get to fight Slimer, Stay Puft etc. Drool. Despite Harold Ramis and Bill Murray possibly giving a phoned-in performance, nothing will stop me enjoying this game. Nothing.

Honourable mentions: Brutal Legend 360 (if it was on PC you'd be on this list, mate), Indiana Jones & The Staff of Kings Wii (can't help it, I'm obsessed), FEAR2: Project Origin PC (I love you Monolith, but you better perk up soon)
(Okay Dave, Nick, take it away with yours!)

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Sshh, I'm talking

Ahoy! Avast! And other such exclamations that vaguely resemble the sort of hearty hairy-chested things that stereotypical pirates might voice in a loud manner reminiscent of Brian Blessed!

You know, I once met a real pirate. I mean, he was working at Disneyland in Anaheim (California), but he was convincing enough that I let go of my cynicism and distrust of Disney, posed beside him for a picture, and just briefly was tempted to bellow "YAAARGH!" at the top of my lungs. As such, I consider him as real a pirate as I might ever hope to meet. After all, those Somali pirates don't count; they don't have beards, quaint names and speak English. Nor do they swab decks. They just steal cargo ships. And then fail to burry them on desert islands.


Anyway, pirate references aside, I be Nick Brakespear. Yes, real surname. If you're a PC Zone forum lurker, you might remember me from such aliases as Brax and Flatline. If not, consider me a nobody for the time being, for my ascension to godhood is not yet at hand.


Now that the introduction is done and dusted, I can proceed with the more important issues. Namely, dialogue. Is it just me, or has the evolution of dialogue disappeared up its own arse and begun feeding on itself, becoming a rather malnourished but admittedly highly-polished pile of crap? My apologies for the rather unseemly imagery there.


As an example, I present to you two games of different ages, by the same developer. Firmly entrenched in the "good old days", we have the Baldur's Gate franchise (and in particular, Baldur's Gate 2). And there, prancing about in, as my mother would say, a fur coat and no knickers we have Mass Effect. Both games of course developed by Bioware.


In Baldur's Gate 2, the lines of dialogue are beautifully written. Some are given a voice-over, but the game never feels the need to voice every single line of text. Much like an illustrated story doesn't feel the need to feature a picture that corresponds to every minor action within the narrative; the lines that are voiced simply serve to gently prod your imagination, to feed your internal recreation of the game world. And, once prodded, you are able to read following lines of text and hear the voice without ever actually hearing it.


A specific example; Minsc, the deranged ranger with pet hamster called Boo. All we needed to hear from him is one or two classic exclamations, such as "Go for the eyes Boo! GO FOR THE EYES!", and from then on anything written beside his name was enhanced by that auditory mental image we had created of his character.

This more old-fashioned approach to dialogue not only stimulated the imagination and allowed us (or at least, allowed me) to connect with the story on a more meaningful level...but it also meant that characters could say a hell of a lot more, with a hell of a lot more variety, and with a hell of a lot more interaction from the player.


Fast-forward to the days of Mass Effect, and we are presented with a new era of "cinematic" (*cough*console*cough) gaming, in which our imaginations are not prodded at all. True to the experience of sitting in front of a television, we switch off and let the game wash over us, our interaction with it reduced to dialogue trees that seem arbitrary at best, generic responses that have clearly been tailored to serve a multitude of possible queries, and secondary characters whose minds seem capable of holding onto nothing more than simple one liners reminiscent of "this door is locked" gameplay mechanics.


Yes, it's rather fancy having a character talk to us. But when our interaction is sacrificed, it becomes less a matter of the character talking to us, less a matter of us engaging with a character, and more a matter of us watching a glorified cut scene.


I would like to put forth the notion that perhaps a return to older ways would be nice. That perhaps -at least until voice emulation, language recognition software and artificial intelligence have evolved to a state where we can in fact talk in real-time in our own words to a character- we might ditch this rather silly idea that all dialogue must be voiced.


Perhaps I'm getting old and grumpy, as I find myself wanting to add; that perhaps graphics too could do with a return to the traditional. That perhaps immersion does not correlate with polygon count. That perhaps the simplest of visuals can be the most evocative.

Defcon had the right idea.


- Nick Brakespear

Cool Runnings

Sometimes rooms get hot and fans aren't necessarily good enough to deal with the problems. What you need is ultra-cooling - like liquid nitrogen and liquid helium. Oh, and experimental conditions. And no common sense whatsoever.



You might even be able to get a decent frame rate on GTA IV

- David Brown

The Legend of Monkey Island

I don't know if my picture of me and Dave as JC and Paul Denton got him thinking about Deus Ex, but the retitling of our Blog to something more Insulting got me thinking about the Monkey Island games.

A long time ago now, I was playing The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker for the first time (I'm going somewhere with this anecdote, believe me). I'd gotten to the second island and found myself (or rather puny protagonist Link) stranded on the strange pirate town on Windfall Island. He had a ship, but needed to buy a sail from the merchant in town. After going to the correct merchant's window, he found that luckily a sail was available, but the merchant wanted something in return.

Sounding very adventure gamish, right? Well, for some reason I couldn't work out how to get the sail and presumed it would come up naturally during my exploration of the island. I discovered many puzzles to solve, many locals to talk to, many strange little minigames to play (completion of which undoubtedly would get me an item someone else wanted), and lots to do even though I couldn't swim more than a few yards out to sea and didn't have a sword. Oh, and there was plenty of humour too.


How Monkey Island-like was that? That's what I want adventure games to be like now. It's all very well getting such brilliant titles as Sam & Max and A Vampyre Story, but the genre hasn't really evolved since Maniac Mansion 20 years ago.

Forget Quicktime Event Extravaganzas like Fahrenheit/The Indigo Prophecy, I want adventure games to be third-person, move with normal movement keys, not have static screens, with everything you can interact with being nice and obvious, and have natural barriers like the sea. No loading screens, no transitions, all natural. That's what I want Monkey Island 5 to be like.

(Not that's it's going to happen what with LucasArts being... what they are. Oh well)
- Chris Capel

Monday, 26 January 2009

Why...

...has there never been a game adaptation of a Steven Seagal film? Answer me that, peoples of the world. You've got all the ingredients for a game there - terrible voice acting, plenty of limb snaps, bone breaks and vicious hand-to-hand/ranged combat - all you need is to get, say, the people behind Dark Messiah to come up with a brutal hand-to-hand system and you could be snapping bones like twigs in a couple of months.

Developers, Seagal needs you!



- David Brown

Sunday, 25 January 2009

My Little Denton

When I first played Deus Ex, I decided to make JC Denton black, simply because, while Ion Storm had included the option, it was clear they never intended anyone to ever choose it. For a start, the facial model didn't change, neither did his voice or bearing. He was, effectively, a Black 'n White Minstrel for the 21st Century. I think it was this outrage that spurred Barack Obama on to the presidency. So - Deus Ex, not just one of the greatest games of all time, but truly world-changing in its importance.

JC Obama, we salute you.



- David Brown

What I particularly loved about that feature in DE is that they remembered to make your brother Paul black too.

- Chris Capel

Monday, 19 January 2009

Highway To The Danger Zoners

"Welcome, dear reader, to the new cave home of Tingler (moiself) and Plughead ('im), erstwhile PCZoners (writing, foruming, and occasionally working) and just damn fine fellows.

Because we're both too lazy to keep up a blog separately, we thought we'd combine our beards talents in order to give you an insight into our daily, non-Zone lives. That's the reason it's quite barren at the moment. Fret not, more will be up here as soon as I can think of something and Dave actually finds out about this blog's existence.

Until then, enjoy this picture:



- Chris 'The Tingler' Capel

UPDATE: Since we started this blog we've added two new videogaming veterans to our midst, which is good because it disguises Dave's laziness in actually writing for us. They are Nick "Brax" Brakespear and Marco "Snoozer" Fiori, and they've both written for, ooh, tons of things. And now this too. Welcome guys!