Feudian Slip

I've mentioned before my plans to stay in China with my girlfriend for a while. I'll be going end of October, but my original plan was end of September - pretty much now. I remember when the date slipped due to various reasons, looking at the gaming release schedule and thinking "at least there's some damn fine consolation prizes".

What a great month. Bioshock 2, Dragon Age Origins, Borderlands, Alpha Protocol, Brutal Legend...

Of course, we know what happened next. Bioshock 2? Next year. Dragon Age Origins? November. Borderlands? Last day of October now, after I'd moved forward my travel plans since nothing was coming out October 30th previously. Alpha Protocol? Next year now very probably (although Sega are still baffingly tight-lipped). Brutal Legend? Despite my fervent predictions/hopes/demands, EA aren't releasing it on PC (yet). As my 360 ain't coming with me, I have to turn down a Tim Schafer game. I feel dirty.

Oh, I'll be playing most of them no doubt (unless they require some hideous online activation that won't work in China...), but this constant slipping does really bug me. Especially when it's unique to the PC.

Borderlands has slipped a week, only on PC. What the fuck guys? Surely you knew about all these technical things? And didn't you make the damn game on a PC? It works fine! And if it doesn't, how does just an extra week help?

Assassin's Creed II was never coming October, but it was coming November - now the PC version isn't. It seems like someone at Ubisoft made a mistake when they said it was coming out on PC at the same time as the console versions and they've only just realised. "Sacre bleu (they're French, remember)! Assassaaan's Creed Deux was announced as coming le same date for PC! PC games do not come out at le same time as le consolé, it just isn't Tour De France!"

This just in: Mass Effect 2 delayed on PC. "We were just kidding," explains Bioware. "We never thought anyone would take that announcement seriously. I mean, whoever heard of a PC game releasing at the same time as the console version?"

- Chris Capel

Back to the Front

"You will die, when I say, you will die... BACK TO THE FRONT!"

That's what Metallica once said and, at the moment, I feel like dying. It might certainly be less painful than the sciatica/back trouble I'm currently suffering from. At the moment, it is calm, but who knows when it might rage again. Right on deadline week too, sadly.

Also, I've been severely vexed by the atrocious state of our national health service, which has literally refused to provide me with an appointment to see a doctor because I, not having lived in my new flat for more than two weeks, don't happen to have a bill addressed to me. Funny that. Now I have to get the billpayer/landlord to write me a note before I can be registered.... which then takes 7 sodding working days to "process" and then AND ONLY THEN can I actually begin to even make an appointment! By the time I see a doctor, I won't be in any pain, so they'll probably refuse me a note....

What a fucking system.

DB

I never could get the hang of Thursdays

If there's one thing I love as much as gaming, it's the works of Douglas Adams. While Last Chance To See is probably my favourite (now being "updated" as a Sunday documentary with Stephen Fry which, sadly, isn't as funny because the team aren't quite as incompetent), no book series has had a big an influence on my writing as his most famous work, The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. The five books, the two radio series, the TV series, and to a much lesser extent the incredibly hard computer game.

As I said, it's a huge influence on my writing - and so therefore my entire life. Hell, the damn book was even first published the day after my birthday!

Which means that nothing in the world pisses me off quite so much as people fucking with it.

The first screwing with is this latest re-release of the books. First off, why is it still so impossible to find a collection of the five books together? Especially in paperback? It's very easy to find a paperback collection of the first four books, but why would anyone buy that? It's missing the fifth!

The latest re-re-re-re-re-re-release is, once again, all five books separately. Even more stupidly, they don't go with the new book cover which I'll talk about shortly. This is obviously a money issue, but it's still ridiculous.

But some bright spark had the idea of giving away stickers with SciFiNow magazine to customise the books with official new "wacky" artwork that once again misses the point of the books spectacularly.

If you had some stickers themed on Hitchhiker's Guide what would they be? A big '42'? The words 'Don't Panic'? Dolphins? A totally black spaceship? A man with two heads? A man in a dressing gown? A Babel Fish? A snotty green lump-like Vogon? A slogan advertising 'Milliways', 'Stavro-Mueller Beta', or 'The Domain of the King Bar & Grill'? A bored-looking robot?

Here's what I got:

Yes, I couldn't be bothered to scan it in and just took this with my camera.

You'll notice that none of those things I mentioned turned up. Instead we have:

1. Some generic-looking planets with one attempting to be wacky.
2. A very generic-looking flying saucer spaceship.
3. A green drink that I assume is meant to be a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster but looks so generic it could be anything.
4. A cartoon cow that looks in no way alien.
5. A sandwich, which is one I could agree with - pity it's so small.
6. A number 37 raffle ticket, which I also agree with.
7. A pair of generic-looking sunglasses which I presume are meant to be Zaphod's Peril-sensitive pair but which frankly don't appear cool or imaginative in any way.
8. A fish bowl with a fish in it. If it had "So Long..." written on it I could accept it. If the fish was a small, yellow, leech-like and very odd Babel Fish instead of a generic goldfish I could accept it. It doesn't and I don't.
9. An electric guitar. This one puzzles me the most. The rest I can identify at least, as poorly designed as they are, but I can't think of a single guitar in the whole saga. Can some correct me? Maybe they were thinking of Red Dwarf...
10. This one is the real kicker: an analogue watch. This is the one that proves that whoever designed these stickers didn't give a shit about Hitchhiker's Guide. Anyone who's read the first book, listened to the first radio series, or watched the TV series will know that the whole joke here is about digital watches. Whoever pulled these stickers off Clip Art didn't know their Gargle Blasters from their gold brick to the head.

Oh, and there's the small matter of a new book coming out, not by Douglas Adams, which is being released on my birthday. Gee, thanks world.

- Chris "Pissed at Eoin Colfer and SciFiNow" Capel

Shh... Alpha Protocol release date, keep it under your hat!

Okay, now what the fuck is up with the release dates this year? First pretty much every game was delayed to "give it the time needed", or in Activision's case in a surprise moment of honesty, "not come out within three months of Call of Duty: Overpriced Warfare 2". While it's good that publishers are trying to thin out the number of games released in the always crowded Christmas period, they're all delayed to the same time next year - meaning the first few months of 2010 is going to be equally crowded!

To be honest, it's not the slipping, it's the ones that just slip out of my grasp that annoy me. I'll be going to China for a good long while on 23rd October, so that's the last possible day for me to buy a game from the shops. So when Dragon Age slipped from that week to just two weeks later, that made me annoyed. Oh, I'll still be able to download it (LEGALLY), but the install's about 20Gb with discs! Borderlands, if you slip too, I'll be ticked off.

But I'm more worried about Alpha Protocol.

Now I've got lots of hopes and worries about this game anyway. Right now the game is down for an 'October' release. That's just a few weeks away and still we don't have a proper release date.

Right now there must be serious arguments in Sega HQ about the game. They've been saying October all year, to slip it now will make them look incompetent and stupid. On the other hand, rushed release dates have spoiled all of Obsidian's other games and will get them some serious marking down if it happens to Alpha Protocol too.

However, there's one day in October that Gamestop is touting (Amazon UK's saying 4th Oct) and that's 27th October. In no way can Sega release an RPG using a Bioware graphics engine and style on that day, for the obvious reason that Dragon Age comes out a week later. No matter how different they are, Bioware are a known quantity for most people. PS3 owners burned by Mass Effect will want to see what the fuss is about, 360 fans of KOTOR and ME will consider it a must-have, and PC owners know Bioware pretty well by now.

So, yeah, don't release Alpha Protocol a week before a Bioware game, Sega. Release it on or before 23rd October, they're the best dates.

- Chris Capel

The Devil Vs The Tingler

You know, I was ready to come here and do a big post about Bobby "CEO of Activision, Blizzard, Sierra, and Hell" Kotick's latest affront to gaming, in which he claims that people are happy with existing franchises and you don't need new IP. But then I started worrying about my immortal soul.

Now, this was going to be a big rant about how Call of Duty isn't that old a franchise really. Furthermore if people don't inevitably get bored with a franchise some company will come along and do it better and more excitingly - which is exactly what Call of Duty did to the formally popular Medal of Honour franchise. Finally, if you don't create new games, where are these magic "old" franchises coming from?

But you know what? I'm not like that. I wouldn't even call Mr Kotick the stupidest most money-grabbing arrogant over-confident CEO prick who's ever put stupid word to mouth. Let's look at his exact words:

"A small segment of very vocal gamers say everything has to be new and different every year. Actually, people are happy with existing franchises, provided you innovate within them."

You see, perfectly reasonable. It's totally true about innovating with franchises. Look at Super Mario for example, he's been going strong since the '80s and people still get excited about his latest games.

Unfortunately, Activision doesn't innovate. Modern Warfare 2, as good as it may be, is not going to innovate. The most innovative thing about World At War was the Nazi Zombies mode, and that only came with one map. And as for Guitar Hero... don't make me laugh.

The most innovative game from Activision this year was, surprise surprise, an original game: Prototype.

More to the point, we're happy with innovation in existing franchises. I agree with that statement. I'm looking forward to Thief 4, Fallout: New Vegas, Deus Ex 3, Doom 4, Mass Effect 2, and indeed Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. The trouble is I'm more looking forward to Borderlands, Dragon Age: Origins, Rage, Alpha Protocol, Scribblenauts, and Batman: Arkham Asylum (technically a franchise, but the first in a proper Batman series anyway).

Oh, fuck it, what am I on about? This guy's Satan and he's only saying this stuff to make excuses for pumping out the same shit every year and inflating the price for each instalment. Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 in 2011 will cost £70, you mark my words. Go back to Hell, Kotick.

Bobby Kotick pictured in his usual office under the Earth's crust.

- Chris Capel

Wot is Welsh?

Wales. Yeah, apparently it is in fact a real place inhabited by like five or six people. I'm as surprised as you are. I always thought "Welsh" was just a funny accent, and a word you might use to describe the clearing of your throat, but apparently it's a real language that people actually speak. In the mythical land of Wales. All five or six of them.

Anyway, apparently the five or six people in Wales who actually speak this strange language, "Welsh", would like a particular popular computer game to be translated into their native language.




So, I find myself wondering...of these five or six mythical "Welsh" people, how many of them actually speak Welsh? And how many of those don't actually speak English?


- Brax

Genesis of the Tingler

Here is my online name's origin story.

I wish horror films were still made like this. It certainly deserves to be counted as one of the Top 20 Most Dangerous Films ever made. Out of that list, it's the only movie that's ever physically attacked the audience!

I fucking love Plants Vs Zombies

Anyone who's been on a game site in the last couple of months can't have failed to notice the ads for a crappy game called Evony. Not that the game itself is worthwhile in any way (being a shit Civilisation rip-off that charges you for play), but the ads themselves have actually drawn more criticism than the game itself. The game doesn't even really feature women at all, let alone Nuts models to save.

Fortunately though, PopCap have noticed all this and responded in the best way possible with their latest ad campaign for Plants Vs Zombies:

- Chris C

I© Own™ ¥our $oul

Without wanting to sound like a stereotypical idealistic student-type with nothing better to do than whine about the many injustices of the world, I'm going to have a good old whine about one of them

Patents and IP and all that shit.

While, as an aspiring writer, I find myself frothing at the mouth over any tale of plagiarism, there is a limit to that which I believe one can claim ownership of, at least in terms of ideas and intellectual property.

Not too long ago, I read the following piece on Kotaku, detailing a patent for drop in/drop out coop gameplay, and it made me think. What if, back in the day, id had decided to patent many of the FPS gameplay mechanics that Wolfenstein and Doom made so popular? What if someone had patented the idea of looking down and seeing your own legs while in a first person perspective? What if someone had patented the idea of weapons with alternate fire modes? If everyone owned every gameplay concept, gaming history would be a hell of a lot less interesting.

I remember playing one of the Broken Sword games, and marvelling at its installation process and the fact that, rather than have me sitting there bored, it gave me a little mini-game to play while I waited. This was a fantastic idea. Not only was I mildly entertained and distracted during the lengthy installation, but I couldn't help but respect the developer's attention to detail and dedication to the spirit of entertainment. And that was the last time I saw such a mini-game. For years I wondered why nobody had caught onto the idea of installation/loading screen games, until someone told me (think it was Steve) that they couldn't. That somebody owned the idea. Somebody whose games I didn't generally play, and who clearly could not be arsed with the idea anyway.




I'm all for the protection of intellectual property...but surely there's a line to be drawn between protecting your interests against those who might simply steal from you and profit by it, and jealously warding off competition 308 to the point of shitting 311 on anyone who might prove to *be* competition by claiming ownership of concepts that are, when you think about it, borderline abstract. It's a wonder nobody has patented the first person perspective really, or the presence of characters with both left and right legs...or, hell, simply the concept of "a computer game".

Can you imagine how many writers would be fucked if similar things happened in the literary world? Nobody could ever be "inspired" by the works of other writers, for fear of being mashed into the ground, legally speaking, by some publisher who had once patented the idea of "a person or group of people who live through a dramatic series of events, learn important life lessons, face overwhelming odds and eventually prevail". Hell, they'd be lucky to write a prologue without discovering that someone owned the concept.

You know what? Here's mine:

I'm gonna patent the idea of an omnipotent supernatural entity that created the universe and everything in it, occasionally interacts with mankind by means of miracles, magic, angelic visitations, burning bushes and ethereal voices, may or may not have a beard and lives in the clouds surrounded by annoying fuckers that play harps incessantly. Ergo, I own god.
In fact, no, wait...fuck it, I'm gonna patent reality. Ergo, I AM god.


In other news,
experts have been discussing the possible repercussions of advanced AI, such as viruses that mimic human interaction with the digital world for the purposes of identity theft, or the "Skynet Scenario", as I'd like to call it;

"a runaway chain reaction of machines capable of building ever-better machines."

Of course, they're a bit late. In my opinion, Skynet has already planned our downfall in the form of Conficker.


- Brax

Why F.E.A.R. 2 Was Crap

This wasn't in it.

- Chris C

Rage Gives Me Rage

Way to alienate your entire fanbase, John Carmack:

Game is being developed with controller first in mind (X360 pad on PC version demo'ed) because Carmack says, "...the largest chunk of our market's going to be on the consoles."

Gee, thanks id Software!

Furthermore, reading all the information on that website, one thought came to mind (apart from things to do with every single copy of Wolfenstein and Carmack's arse):

"Isn't that Fallout?"

- Chris C

I'msorrywhut?

So here I am, having vanished yet again (due in no small part to University cock-ups and my subsequent need to hide in a small hole and play games until 5am). I survived not only another week being molested by Dave and Steve at PCZ, but also the worryingly obsessive 105 hours spent in Fallout 3 (more on that story later).

In the meantime, I just thought I'd have a good short bitch about something.

Bioshock team's next project more "ambitious" - Kotaku


Uhuh. "More ambitious" than anything they've ever done? "Substantially more ambitious than Bioshock"?

What, you mean like...System Shock 2?


- Brax

We don't care about the young folks

Now this caught me by surprise. I'd been looking forward to Call of Juarez: Bound In Blood for a while and I've nearly finished it. In fact I'm fairly certain I'm on the last level,
ominously set in the same fort I bitched about recently. I was also really enjoying Fallout 3, which is still very new. Plants Vs Zombies also took up a bit of my free time too.

And then, out of nowhere, I got hit with a retro vibe. Instead of finishing Call of Juarez, I've returned to Return To Castle Wolfenstein. Instead of killing Super Mutants with my dog friend in Fallout 3, I've got back into the Clone Wars in Republic Commando. Instead of killing Michael Jackson as a zombie (ahem) I've insulted pirates and enslaved monkeys in Secret of Monkey Island.

Of course I'm blaming LucasArts for most of this. Releasing a load of their old classic games of Steam along with a really cheap Special Edition of one of the greatest and funniest games ever made? Sold. Wolfenstein's Activision's fault though, delaying the game for two weeks and reminding me how much I preferred RTCW to Medal of Honour.

Now with Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 up to fifty-fucking-five pounds I'm actually looking forward to Raven's attempt.

Although I'm sure I'll get halfway through it and start playing Blood instead.

Coincidence?

Turns out I'm actually a German writer, journalist, actor and model. Won a few awards too. Who knew?

Wait a minute, that's the life I want! DAMN YOU PHILIPP TINGLER!

Smug git.

- Chris 'Not P. Tingler' Capel

Dragon Age, by... who, again?

Here's an interview with Bioware's Ray Muzyka about Dragon Age: Origins.

Here's what I was thinking while watching it:

The Witcher, The Witcher, The Witcher, yeah right, you said that about Mass Effect, The Witcher, The Witcher, we getting a story or something? It looks like a MMO! A book, like The Witcher, backstabbing Bioware saying its just as good on consoles when you just said PCs were the only platform getting the quest editor, The Witcher, is that a console screen in the background? The Witcher... ooh, October 23rd? Cool!

- Chris Capel

Merge For The Kill!

Developers, merge and form Devastator!

Sorry for the crappy Transformers reference, I'm just trying to put a lighter spin on June Merge Week as it's beginning to be known.

First Bethesda purchases id Software yesterday, today EA staples together Mythic and Bioware. Tomorrow Valve is becoming 2K Steam.

So what does this mean for us? That some great developers aren't as independant or free from publisher messing around as we'd hoped? I think that should be obvious now. Ensemble Studios never made a bad game that wasn't successful, and Microsoft destroyed them. Irrational Games sold their souls to 2K to make Bioshock a success, the game paid for it, and they're not even allowed to touch the sequel. Westwood and Bullfrog got devoured whole by EA, and all they'd done was make great genre-defining games. Lionhead have lost Peter Molyneux and must surely be on their way out. Rare is now making casual games and 360 avatar clothing.

I'm more interested in what will happen with the games. I doubt Bioware will change much, but poor Mythic feel like they've just been trodden on. I'd hoped EA were past this stage. Bioware have already made their mistakes.

It's the id Software buyout that has me raising my eyebrows. They've been with Activision for years, and it's obvious they don't like what that publisher's become now. Even Rage is still down for being EA published instead. I'll give John Carmack some due for being honest, but mostly to this quote:

"We're not going to change the kinds of games we make…. It allows us to accelerate the growth of our internal studios, so we can focus on making all of our internal games as opposed to working with external partners where there has been a step down in quality..."

Heh. Not liking the look of Wolfenstein either, John? Still, about damn time. Doom 3 came out five years ago, and all we've had since then are ports. Rage isn't due out until next year, and it's looking... unexciting so far. Maybe if id stop worrying about making a new engine from scratch for every game and hoping to rely on licensing to keep them going (which backfired with the D3 engine), and instead work on making games, maybe they wouldn't be selling out. And hopefully now they'll stop getting Raven to make their games...

Oh, and 2K Boston's days are numbered. You know I'm right.

Oh the Payne, the Payne of it all!

Why are they even bothering? I think Rockstar are a little too up their own arse with their dark, gritty stories.

You know, I'm actually looking back at the Max Payne movie with something approaching respect at this point. Even Mark Wahlberg, the unexplained weird Valkyr angels, and the dull non-ending (all they had to do was copy the game's, and they fucked it up! There was even a helicopter circling the building, but did Max blow it up? NO!).

None of these compare to... whatever this is.

Now, I'm going to have a go on Stranglehold.

- Chris C

Remove head from onus kthx

Tomorrow I'm off to London, and on Monday I shall be returning to Team PCZ to ooze sexuality at them and smother them in Braxline goodness. Come on Dave, you know you want it.

Anyway, this week in a new series I'd like to call Americans Trying Too Hard, "Tycho" from Penny Arcade once again rapes the English language -

"...I can't actually enunciate a clear onus that would culminate in your purchase..."

Mate, seriously, you can't expect to "enunciate" anything clearly with your head so firmly entrenched between your own buttocks. In all honesty, I don't think I've ever read beyond the first paragraph of a Penny Arcade article without feeling my brain start to trickle from my ears and nose.

SPEAK ENGRISH.

Don't get me wrong; I love Americans. They're awesome. But my GOD, when they start to think that their grasp on the English language is anything other than tenuous...the pain of it. It's like when a friend gets all intellectual down the pub, finds a fancy word like...like "dichotomy", and tries to crowbar it into every sentence. It's the very zenith of facepalmery.

Urgh, now I'm doing it. Who the fuck says "zenith"?


You know, I think there was a character in Unreal Tournament called "Zenith". Can you imagine what a twat he'd be in conversation?

"My name is Zenith. Because I am."
"You am what?"
"The Zenith."
"Is your head pointy or something?"


- Brax

Call of Wrrarrrezzz

In preparation for the very good looking sequel out in a couple of weeks, I decided to try out the original Call of Juarez. Basically the only Western game I've ever played was the classic LucasArts FPS Outlaws, which I enjoyed immensely, so was hoping for a worthy successor. It didn't disappoint. Oh sure, it had it's problems, but it had a great story, an interesting two alternating players mechanic with each character (Ray and Billy) having different skills, some great setpieces, and a fantastic character in Reverend Ray, whose backstory will be told in the sequel/prequel Bound In Blood.

I was hoping the big problems would begin and end with Billy's "spiritual journey" Episode. A gigantic open area you can traverse on horse-back, with mountains, fields, rivers... and no enemies. Techland created this hugely impressive level to go rabbit hunting. That's it. After that you have to climb a mountain, but the massive open area plays no part in that.



Oh, and the mountain, the mountain. This now infamous section involves literally climbing a mountain, which takes ages, all in the name of getting a feather. But it's not just a linear climb, oh no, it's a goddamned maze. And just to further add irritation to this already very irritating cake, there's a eagle that you can't kill that does a very good job of knocking you off the cliff.

I hate you.

In the end though, if you manage to work out that you were actually at the top (I didn't as the eagle kept killing me within moments), grabbed the feather (didn't notice it at first for the aforementioned reason, and even then grabbing a tiny feather while being raped by a homicidal eagle is quite tricky) and made it down the mountain without dying (several quicksaves later), you find it was all for nothing but at least you can get back to shooting things again. Phew.

But unfortunately it wasn't to be the end of my troubles.

The final section of the game is filled with plotholes, conveniences, questionable gameplay choices, stupidity, and the breaking of most of the rules Techland had spent hours carefully cultivating. I don't want to list all the problems... oh, hell, yes I do!

(Some spoilers here, so if you haven't played it and are going to, don't read!)

1. The baffling removal of Ray's patented 'concentration' mode for all of two moments in the game, with no explanation given.
2. Respawning enemies for the first time, en masse. This also makes no sense as they don't have anywhere to come in from.
3. Billy being asked to put his guns down, then having to do a fistfight because his guns have apparently vanished.
4. Main villain Juarez coming back to life all of three times, and both Ray and Billy being surprised each time he does.
5. And on the third time, Billy keeps his back to Juarez for ages, allowing him to get to his feet and pull out a Crocodile Dundee-size knife from nowhere.
6. And if he had a knife all the time, why didn't he use it in the fucking fistfight?
7. How the hell did Juarez and his entire gang manage to follow Billy through some of the most irritating Tomb Raider traps ever without making a noise, and finally make it there before him?
8. How did Ray know where to go? We didn't get to play that part.
9. Some bosses who inexplicably have a health bar, including one who just runs around in circles making you chase him... and he warps, too.
10. The final moment is just a joke. After Juarez pulls that knife, without any warning you get control and have to shoot him. The first time I didn't realise what was happened and Billy died, long unskippable cutscene, the second time I tried to take out my gun and found out it was a Quick Draw moment even though this the first time the game hasn't slapped me in the face to tell me so, Billy dies again, long cutscene again, third time I do it straight away. The drama's long gone by now though.

Up until this point I was utterly loving this game. By the time this ridiculous scenario was over (and I've by no means mentioned everything that ticked me off, this is just off the top of my head) I was glad to see the back of Call of Juarez.

Nevertheless, I'm still eagerly awaiting the sequel. If there's an eagle however I may just snap the game's disc in half and have done with it.

- Chris C

OMG PIE-RASEEE!!

"Sure it glows, but can it run Crysis?"

Crysis 2 to hit consoles. With a big stick. Of performance issues. And odd creative decisions.

Here's a thought Crytek; if you're so desperate for money, how about you try releasing a game that actually RUNS ON OUR FUCKING PC'S.

Alternatively, live in a country that doesn't seem to hate you.


- Brax