Boredomlands and Dragging-on Age

(Okay, slightly unfair title as I haven't played either yet, but I thought it was too good to pass up)

Here's what this post is really about though. A few weeks ago Gearbox/2K announced that the PC version of Borderlands was going to be put back a week for "optimisation purposes".

This was a lie. Not only are stores getting the PC version at the same time as the console version, but it's clearly complete. People who managed to get hold of a legal copy in the confusion simply can't play it, as Securom forces them not to until the game's official PC release date - which was obviously put back for no good reason whatsoever. Why not go the whole hog and just shut people out from playing your game forever? They can't return their copy, so you'll get the money no matter what. Plus the criticism will be slightly less.

In a similar vein, i.e. delaying PC versions of games and then lying about why, Eurogamer previewed Dragon Age: Origins this week. Note paragraph 4 on the first page:

"...publisher EA started distributing a complete PC review version to press months before its release."

Um... excuse me? The game was finished for its original release date, then? The one you put back claiming Bioware needed more time to finish and polish the game? Bullshit. You (being EA) were terrified of the prospect of a PC game being released months before the console version. You were worried that console would feel left out and just ignore the game when it was finally released, or you were worried about that everyone would pirate it on PC and not buy it on consoles.

To 2K, EA, Bioware and Gearbox: fuck both of you. If Dragon Age had been released when it was supposed to have been I would've got the Special Edition and all the DLC. Now I'll stick with the standard version. And I'm not even going to bother with Borderlands at all now. Thanks guys, you just saved me a lot of money.

- Chris Capel

The Saga of Download Manager

Please find below my account of the dreadful battle I waged recently. I swore I would never utter a bad word against EA since they saved The Tale of the Brutal Legend, but I never said I wouldn't complain about the programs they force on us.

My quest began searching for a fun new game
Which for legal reasons I cannot name
Suffice to say it’s one of which you’re all aware
And might (or might not) feature Ric Flair.

I had a code to get the game for free
(Which I like as I’m a tight bugger me)
My first problem was where to input this phrase
My searching put me in quite an angry daze

I searched and searched high and low
And at last the box for the code did show
I found it by clicking on a slightly different button
(When it comes to punishment it seems I am a glutton)

The code put in, the price was nought
Then on the next screen I had a thought
Why is my credit card number needed?
Very quickly some doubt was seeded

Out of trust I went with the flow
I got to the final billing page, and lo
The price was still completely nil
And so would not trouble my credit card bill

The game was received, my download near,
But be warned my tale becomes worse from here
I was wary of the company’s Download Manager
As I’d heard it behaved like a repellent teenager

I soon discovered it was actually worse
Than the most devilish and insulting curse
Spewed from Satan’s foul-mouthed tongue
And spoken by a French taunting one.

Upon trying to run the program desired,
I soon discovered a Flash plug-in was required.
“Fair enough”, said I, proceeding to the site,
Where I was soon to battle a painful fight.

For Windows of the Vista clan
Did block my access with a ban
Delivering this terrible message as my install was locked,
“For safety reasons this ActiveX control is blocked”

No choice was I given about whether to proceed
My consultation was something Vista didn’t need.
Clicking on the ActiveX bar just yielded More Information,
And left me mired in deep depression.

Internet Explorer wouldn’t let this plug-in be installed
My whole endeavour seemed to have stalled.
“Fuck you then” I to Internet Explorer said,
“I’m going to go install Firefox instead.”

Mozilla’s baby was quickly downloaded,
As the Flash plug-in installed my fears were eroded.
Returning once more to Download Manager’s den
I cursed in anger as that message came up again.

The Manager wouldn’t accept Firefox as base
I seemed to becoming a real hopeless case.
Lowered IE’s security settings did I,
“Not gonna happen” decreed IE with pride.

Flash’s help site a dodgy program recommended
Messing with my registry should not be commended
In desperation one last course of action I tried
Download Manager’s directory files I spied

Opening up a totally random file
(While praying to myself silently all the while)
It saw that Flash was not fully installed
“Would you like me do it?” it cheerfully called.

I clicked on “OK” thinking I’d give it a bash
But lo and behold, the plug-in arrived in a flash.
Download Manager now worked perfectly fine
And within a few hours EA’s game was mine.

Now we come to the end of my tale
Of Manager, Explorer, Vista and Fail
Curse me again I’m sure they will dare
But for now excuse me, I must wrestle a bear.

- Chris Capel